


High Tides and White Lies

by SilkCut



Series: Snapshots [8]
Category: xxxHoLic
Genre: Gen, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 16:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5633581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilkCut/pseuds/SilkCut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yuuko Ichihara can only give so much to Kimihiro Watanuki, and know that ultimately it will never be enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	High Tides and White Lies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [selene_ermingarde](https://archiveofourown.org/users/selene_ermingarde/gifts).



> This one serves as the piece that ties together all the snapshots included in said titular series. Most of these exchanges have appeared sparingly in two of my DouWata-centric works ( _Quiet_ and _Where Soft Places Dwell and Hard Edges Blister_ ) so you may get a dose of deja vu, if you have read the two others. This also has some hints and references to the events in my ongoing multi-chaptered fic, _Frequency_. I dedicate this work to **selene_ermingarde** who is such a delight and who told me once that the relationship between Yuuko and Watanuki breaks her heart much more than DouWata's.
> 
>  **IMPORTANT NOTE:** There are two ways to read this piece. One is the order of the scenes as I've written them in; the other is by following the titles as stated in the prompt :) I suggest you try reading in both ways.

 

 

 

**219: Desire, Ask, Believe, Receive**

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

A S K

* * *

 

 

He looks at you and asks, _am I real?_

You meet his gaze without flinching, knowing he needs to see you strong—needs you to know certain things—needs you to have all the answers before he could he even ask. He thinks you’re an anchor, and you wonder, in that split second, if he would ever forgive you if he really knew the truth about what you are.

His mismatched eyes leak as he asks you again, _am I even human?_

And you take a few steps closer to wrap your arms around his quivering frame. He feels alive against you, his heart thunderous, and his tears dampening your shoulder.

All you want to say to this boy right now and forever is _you are loved._

You want to run your fingers through his hair in all tenderness and add, _there is nothing more real or human than to be loved._

You want to cup his face in both your hands and tell him, _there are things that people have done and will do all over again for the sake of you_.

But you said and did none of these things at all except hold him.

It seems enough for the both of you, for now.

 

 

 

* * *

  R E C E I V E

* * *

 

Certain hungers can devour a person.

As an alias-borne granter of wishes, you had witnessed this firsthand, time and time again. Everybody at some point learns to celebrate their chains and perhaps that includes you too. It no longer surprises, and sometimes if you’re being honest, it no longer moves you either. But you pretend to care anyway because they need it from you and you’re nothing if not steadfast and duty-bound.

Today is not like one of those days, however, not when this boy sitting across you is unlike everybody else.

Watanuki tells you about a current dilemma as expected, and his speech is both animated and strained. You always watch him with earnest attention, absorbing every word and minuscule shift in his facial reactions. You will never tire of it.

For he is exquisite—a puzzle with many of its pieces missing and could never be found. He is unique—an enigma that unravels only in sleep.

Today he complains about Shizuka Doumeki. Yesterday it was about Doumeki too. And tomorrow it will be about Doumeki again. Multiple doors have already lined up across timelines and you simply have to watch as Watanuki finds the keys and tries to open each one. You know that he would get it wrong a few more times before he ever gets it right. What he always needs is some guidance—a little push.

You take a fresh hit from your smoke-pipe and exhale. Your eyes never leave his the entire time. He waits for your response with clenched fists on his lap.

“Would you believe me if I tell you,” you begin, “that we had the same conversation before?”

Watanuki narrows his eyes at that.

“…in another world?” You finish the thought as you place your pipe down so you can lean in, one elbow staying still as your other arm reaches forward to graze his chin with a finger. There is a small smile now playing on your lips but Watanuki is frowning at you again, obviously uncomfortable with the new line of conversation.

The smoke hovers between the two of you, a thin string that never seems to dissipate. Watanuki finally answers.

“What do you mean the same conversation?” he sounds unsure, almost a little terrified as he adds, “And in another world?”

“Do you doubt it?”

He shakes his head easily. “Of course not, I’ve met Syaoran-kun and the others before. But what do you mean…by the same conversation?”

You wait for him to contemplate about it some more. He does, and then inquires again, “do you mean to say our other selves in another world…talked about this?”

“No,” was your only reply.

He rolls his eyes at you, his petulance all the more amusing when he almost shouts, “sometimes I feel like you purposefully try to make me sound stupid or crazy!”

And you chuckle, taking your pipe again and inhaling. When he finally calms down, you look back at him and explain.

“There are worlds like ours that function according to certain choices. All these worlds have moments where you and I discussed this but how the conversation proceeds and what you decide after the talk takes place are countless variables. Here in this world, in this room, we discuss about you and Doumeki, and then you make a choice. What your choice here differs in your choice in another world, and another, and another…"

You take a prolonged puff from your pipe and then you released it just as slowly, the smoke now floating above both your heads, "…and another, and so forth."

Cute as ever, Watanuki sticks his mouth into a derisive pout, his incomprehension written all over his face. "I don't think I follow."

You are never _not_ patient when it comes to Watanuki so you keep going.

"In other worlds," you continue, "you and Doumeki inevitably reach a point, one that breaks and alters the shape of your relationship. When this happens, you make a choice and you both live with the results."

When Watanuki fails to reply, you add, "whatever it is, know that it was always going to happen. You and Doumeki. The breaking point. You were always meant to choose for the both of you. And whatever that choice is will dictate how you will live your lives in the next few decades or so."

You rest the knuckles on your cheek as you tilt your head to the side, your arm bent by the elbow at the crook of the sofa. You gaze continually at Watanuki, waiting.

"And if I don't choose?" Watanuki looks at his hands, his eyes dimming a little.

And there it is.

That hollowness.

His unknowable suffering.

Your guilt.

They all threaten to break down the barricade you had carefully cultivated since you allowed yourself into his life. You almost want to take him by his face and tell him _everything_. But you guarded your tongue and concealed all the sharp objects that could wound him with. All you can do now is to present him with choices and, hope he will learn to be less afraid to make ones for himself.

"Inaction is the most damning choice of all." You only reply. And then you click your tongue once at him, warningly, as you harden your gaze. "And a really ugly habit. So don't start with that now. It'd be impossible to break."

"So…the other worlds…”

You watch him put things together before he continues his line of questioning.

“These other worlds are hypotheticals only? They just exist in metaphysical level?"

You sigh and try to make him understand by citing the scenarios from the doors he had opened in the other worlds, the ones you examined in passing. Sometimes you have these fanciful moods that seize you and turn you into a chatterbox, unmindful that you might overwhelm the listening party.

"In one world,” you tell him, “you danced with Himawari Kunogi. You held her close and kissed her for the first and last time."

Before Watanuki could manage to answer, you ramble on, not looking at him anymore. "In another world, you reject the idea of being with Doumeki two times and the only time you regretted it was when he offered it to someone else."

"W-Wha--?"

You keep talking as you tap your now empty pipe on your knee. "In another one, you wear my kimonos."

"Gross! Why would I even put on your kimonos, Yuuko-san?! I'm not a crossdresser!"

From the corner of your eye, you can tell that Watanuki is blushing furiously, but you just smile and add. "In that world, there is a desired loss of all feeling, a nothingness to it all. Or at least that's what you will tell yourself."

Of them all, that particular world where that version of Watanuki resides is the hardest one to watch unfold, but you can never do anything about it. Such events have come to pass and will come to pass whether you like it or not. Clairvoyance is mostly a power granted to those who must only observe and never to interfere.

But with Watanuki, sometimes you are almost tempted to warn him.

…to change things, and damn the consequences that could follow.

A long pause of silence goes on between the two of you, marked only by the puffs from your pipe which you have taken in the meantime.

Finally, Watanuki lets out an exasperated groan. “I really don’t get it!”

“Of course not, you foolish, narrow-sighted boy!” You tease him, hoping it would lighten the weight of the seriousness in your conversation.

“I knew you’re only saying things like that to make fun of me! You can be so downright cruel, Yuuko-san!” He moves his arms in almost sickening motions, flapping helplessly about. You laugh at him, forgetting for just a moment that you still have sorrows and burdens to carry.

“Enough playing around, Watanuki-kun, and get me some sake!”

“Get it yourself, you goddamn alcoholic!” he shouts dismissively even though he readily steps out of the room to fetch you the drink you require.

As soon as he leaves, you retreat back into the deepening chasm of your thoughts where you remember that there are still vows that you need to keep, and wishes to be paid—at least until the bell tolls for you. So you hum a wordless melody now, one you taught Maro and Moro to sing someday for Watanuki on the nights when the gnawing in his chest would worsen, and the darkness would overflow like a deluge that will never stop pouring. You hope it will be enough even when it’s not.

 

 

* * *

 B E L I E V E

* * *

 

 

"Once I told you that words have power," you state one dreary afternoon while Watanuki slaves away in the kitchen. He willingly drops whatever task is at hand so he can look at you. When your gazes linger like this, you can see the gears of his mind working, how he can't help but question everything in his life, in this plane of existence, and where he fits in all of it; why it aches to not know.

The boy hates not knowing that most of all, and it pains you to withhold the truths he deserves to learn, but only once he is ready.

"What about it?" he asks, cautious of you all of a sudden.

"That names are incantations and wishes are spells, but only if they serve the purpose we intend them for." You lean away from the door frame. "When spoken, words can fill the rest of the gaps where emotions themselves occupy sparsely. In speaking out comes the ability to claim, to deny, to lie or to bare the truth."

"O…kay." Watanuki looks as if he wants to run. You can’t blame him.

You want to place a comforting touch on his shoulder but you resist the urge. He can’t be a child forever. And it’s not as if he is _your_ child.

"Do you want to try it?" the question is a challenge, a plea.

"Try what, Yuuko-san?" Watanuki blinks and you swear you can feel his pulse racing.

"To give yourself to the words inside you that you have yet to claim," you walk towards him, pausing only when you are inches apart.

“Yuuko-san…” he sounds breathless as his eyes slowly drift close the moment you’re standing close to him, invading his breathing space. His face becomes serene all of a sudden and you realize it’s because he trusts you fully. He allows himself to be vulnerable under your touch, bound by the spell of your words. And in that split second, you wonder if he could ever forgive you once he figured out that you’re not as truthful as you claim to be.

Using both hands now, your fingers keep tracing the outline of his face. This close, you could kiss his forehead. You could kiss his cheeks. You could kiss him everywhere and he would allow it. But what would that fleeting display of affection accomplish, really? You are running out of reasons to keep him…and be kept by him.

There is a dark passage he will walk when you are dead and gone and you are terrified he will never find a way back.

But as you look at this fragile boy in your hands, you stubbornly cling to the possibility he can be whole again.

So you lie again for his sake. "Give yourself,” you whisper as your hands slowly pull away and his eyes begin to flutter open, “…and leave nothing behind."

 

 

* * *

D E S I R E

* * *

 

 

Remnants of an old life can leak into the veins of dreams. It’s the mind’s way to mend the blank spaces. When one is there, he or she can remember everything because it’s how their subconscious heals and repairs itself while in repose. 

But not for Watanuki.

However, he does become more self-aware in dreams lately. There are things only his subconscious can unravel for him. Sometimes, when you’re lonely and a little reckless, you would join him, making tiny excuses in your head that he needs your company when you know you’re only here now because of a selfish reason. You wonder if Watanuki could ever understand himself without knowing who he is—if he could be happy without remembering the past—if he could love again without being a complete person. And you hope that all these things are possible one day.

But when he walks to you underneath the cherry blossom tree and begins to cry, a part of you starts to dread that you might be wrong after all.

So you hold him and still it wasn’t enough.

You keep holding him anyway. You hold Kimihiro Watanuki without taking possession of him entirely though because you know that if you tighten your grip on him you might never let him go. And someday, you must. You should.

But now, as he sobs into your shoulder and melts in your embrace, you begin to believe you never could.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

_You want three wishes....and one you're saving for a rainy day when your lover ever takes her love away._


End file.
